Gelatinous Blob Theory of Plate Tectonics

The Gelatinous Blob Theory of Plate Tectonics originally started out as explaining the mysterious disappearances at the Bermuda Triangle. (Although I'd already explained them in the Flat Earth Conspiracy Theory.) Before long, however, it had transmuted into a strange blob of a theory involving magnetism, plate tectonics, and dark matter.

I've decided to do this theory as a long bullet list, just because I like bullet lists.

• The centre of the earth is not solid, as many people believe.

• Nor is it liquid.

• It's actually an enormous yellowy-green gelatinous blob called Glarb.

• He has sixteen arms - seven on each side, and two on his head.

• At any one time, at least two of his arms need to be magnetic, or else he explodes! (Reasons for this are later on in the theory.)

• When he cleans his arms, he demagnetises one arm, and puts it on another arm.

• This other arm is underneath the Bermuda Triangle.

• When more than one arm is under the Triangle, the magnetic flux makes compasses go haywire, ships sink, aeroplanes vanish, and UFOs crash.

• (The other fifteen arms are underneath the fifteen major tectonic plates. The sixteenth is just a spare, used for scratching, poking people, etc.)

• This magnetism is why the Earth is magnetic. (...despite this blatantly contradicting the Giant Magnet Theory of Earth Rotation from a few weeks before.)

• Magnetic North moves around because Glarb is in a roll cage that rolls around, very slowly. So does his magnetic field.

• If his arms aren't magnetic, his blood vessels and globulons would overload, wave around, generate too much heat, expand, and explode!

• Globulons are things that take globlots around Glarb's body.

• Globlots are particles of dark matter, that help keep his magnetic field up.

• Globulons and globlots have nothing to do with Globulos.

• Glarb is able to survive the immense temperature, pressure, gravity and moltern rock at the centre of the Earth because he has air conditioning.

• (Don't ask.)

Added 20th Sept 06 - Apparently, Glarb was once a type of hippophant, called a professorphant. Click here to find out more.