The Speed of Beaver

And here we have yet another completely random quasi-scientific theory. A while ago, Nick and Oliver walked up to me and started going on about the speed of light, the universe, and beavers. I've done my best to collect the original ideas into something remotely coherent.

The speed of light is a strange thing.

Suppose you had a banana that could go fast enough to reach the speed of light. As the banana got closer to the speed of light, its mass would increase, and it would gradually get heavier. (Although everything is weightless in space. If there was gravity, though, the banana would get heavier.) If the banana reached the speed of light, its mass would be infinite and it would turn into a black hole. However, the banana-black-hole would weigh more than everything in the entire universe put together. (Hmm...The speed of light makes you heavy? Does that mean the speed of heavy makes you lighter?)

Also, as the banana got closer to the speed of light, time would slow down. Suppose there was a tiny person stood on the banana. If the banana kept accelerating for ten years, to the person on the banana it would only feel like a few minutes. If you reach the speed of light, then time stops completely. (Hmm... if Speed equals Distance divided by Time, but time has stopped, wouldn't you be dividing by zero?)

The speed of light is always the same, no matter where you measure it. If a Lamborghini Diablo SV and a Nissan Micra (no offence to Micra-lovers) were having a race, and both cars had their headlights on, and (for some bizarre reason) there was a widget at the end of the track that detected the speed of the light coming from both cars, then the widget would find that the light from the Lamborghini wouldn't be going any faster than the light from the Micra.

However, it would be impossible to go at the speed of light, because it would take an infinite force to get mass moving that quickly. It would take more energy than there is in the universe.

All of this is from Einstein's Theory of Relativity (except the banana, the division by zero, the Micra, and the speed of heavy.)

However, (there's always a however, isn't there?) Nick and Oliver have come up with what happens when you move quicker than the speed of light. As you move faster than the speed of light, time speeds up again, but goes backwards. When time is going backwards at the speed it would normally go forwards, you reach the speed of beaver.

When you reach the speed of beaver, you turn into a beaver. (Unless you're already a beaver. Then you turn into an Ultrabeaver. )

(Ultrabeavers are the same as the normal beavers, except they are twenty feet taller, and more radioactive (with added plutonium). They have the super power to turn atoms into Micro-Pineapples, even though they don't realise they have this power.)

Also, when you reach the speed of beaver, anything you have in your pockets turns into giant man-eating cakes for no apparent reason.

Um, that's about it. It looks a lot shorter on screen than it did in my head.

To pad this out, Nick has come up with a piece of merchandise for this page - the Beaver Action Figure!

The Beaver Action Figure!

Really Moos! Has Uranium-235 atoms in the tail! Gnaws your fingers off if you get too close! Made by cheaply paid sweatshop workers! We're so cheap it's made of a plastic substitute substitute Warning - May Cause Death. Buy your Beaver Action Figure for £9.99! That's right - just £19.99, from the Speed of Beaver Theory by Nick M. For your chance to own one, call 0800-WE-RIP-U-OFF and pay just £29.99! Hurry - they're going fast, so buy yours now - £39.99! At our special low price of £49.99! We guarantee 0% satisfaction on the £59.99 you paid. Either pay in cash £69.99, a cheque for £79.99 or we'll deposit your credit card £89.99. We sell at RRP, which is £99.99. Unique one-time-offer of just £109.99! Only £119.99 now!

Not available in the shops.

Not licensed at all. © Nick Mason 2005.

So don't blame me.