Random Quasi-Scientific Theories
Anti-Nukes / Beavers / Dinosaurs / Earth Rotation / Nonexistent Universe / Flat Earth / Gelatinous / Hippophants / Integrification / Manatees / Omega Minus / Quantum Socks / Small World / String / Tetrahedra / TOEs
The Hippophants arose out of an interestingly-shaped graph and a spark of imagination. Before I knew it, Nick had constructed a mythical hybrid beast that resembled something straight out of ancient Greek mythology.
The hippophant, or Loxodonta Dicerorhinus, of the family Elephantidae, is an extremely rare species. As the name suggests, the hippophant is related to both the hippopotamus and the elephant, but is also closely related to:
Hippophants are often grey or brown in colour. They have very long hair, which helps to camouflage them in any places that are furry and grey or brown. This helps them to avoid being seen in many places, especially as they are easily mistaken for grey or brown furry hills.
Hippophants
are omnivores, but they usually eat grass and other vegetation (trees, hedges,
fences etc). They spend many hours eating, and each herd of Hippophants may
consume more than eight tons of food in a day. Hippophant herds usually
migrate every few months, depending on the availability of food and water, or if
anyone has noticed the large holes in the trees, hedges, or fences.
Another thing that characterises Hippophants is their large horns. Hippophant horns are similar to rhino horns, but are on their foreheads instead of their snout. This horn, combined with the physical strength of the hippophant, is capable of breaking through almost any wall or structure.
Hippophants are a very rare species, partly because of low numbers and habitat damage, but mainly because they are very good at hiding, looking like furry grey or brown hills, etc, and are not often noticed.
One of the strangest things about Nick's fascination with this species is his
supposition that these creatures will,
eventually, take over the world. He is unclear about how they are going to do
this, but he suggests it will strongly involve the rise of a superhero
hippophant, known as a Superphant. I'm assuming that he means that this
Superphant will rise up, call all the world's Hippophants to its side, overthrow
humanity, and rid the planet of the Hippophants' worst enemies, the
Elepotamuses.
This, however, goes against Adams' Second Law of Prediction, known as the Rule of Self-Defeating Prophecies. This states that, whenever someone predicts the sort of doom of humanity mentioned above, then 'the prediction of doom causes people to do things differently and avoid the doom. Any doom that can be predicted won't happen.'
Nick, if you're reading this, and you've actually got a completely different idea of how the Hippophants will take over the world, please let me know.
Finally, Nick brings in a link between theories by stating that a Superphant can shoot anti-nukes from its back. To find out what an anti-nuke is, go the Anti-Nuke Theory by clicking here.
News just in. Nick has come up with another stack of information about the origins of the Hippophants.
Apparently, the Hippophants came from a collision between universes, similar to the events in the Salami System part of the Anti-nuke Theory.
According to Nick, the world of hippos and the world of elephants got sucked together, close to the edge of our universe. This was because of the weak gravity from unti-nuke black galaxies. (So did the worlds of horses, vacuum cleaners and hump-back bridges, but they're less important.)
The different worlds collided, and joined together, forming a larger universe. In this universe, matter, planets, hippophants and one superphant were created.
The hippophants then evolved to camouflage with the furry grey or brown hills on their planets, and managed to kill all the other neanderthal life forms living there.
After the hippophants ran out of space on their planets, they noticed Neanderthal-like life-forms (humans) on planet Earth. They developed technology to travel through space and orbit around Earth, and they've been attacking us ever since!
(By the way, the moon is really a giant Hippophant spacecraft. At its centre are the hippophants. The rest of the moon is just camouflage.)
(It's hard to spell camouflage!)
Another pointless Hippophant news update.
Superphants are much like the Krillitanes from the episode "School Reunion", in the second recent series of Doctor Who. They can adopt the physical features of any races that they have defeated.
They don’t often use this power, because of their overwhelming pride of being a hippophant. However, this is how they learned to fly and shoot Anti-Nukes, and how they have a head mounted on the side of their bodies, with a longer neck than normal hippophants.
A Hippophant invasion force containing the Superphant recently defeated a race of Monkeys with Go Faster Stripes, which they have adopted. Unfortunately, the new cool go faster stripes are beneath their fur. Fortunately (for them), it makes them quicker for some reason. This means they can now camouflage as a faster running breed of hill that live on the Hill Planet.
Also, the Hippophants have cloned the Superphant to make a junior superphant. And, the news of the impending doom to the human race gets worse, as the hippophants have set a date of full scale inter-planetary invasion!
Watch this space for more news.
This latest discovery refers to Glarb, the gelatinous blob at the centre of the earth.
You
may remember that there is an enormous yellowy-green gelatinous blob called
Glarb at the centre of the earth, who moves the tectonic plates around. Well,
Nick recently informed me that Glarb was once a hippophant.
Glarb was a professorphant. (To the left is a picture of a professorphant. Note the large lab coat, the built in bunsen burner, and the jar of chemicals in his pocket.)
Before the invasion of earth began, Glarb the professorphant was working on the genetic research that eventually led to the creation of the Superphant.
During one particularly dangerous experiment, something
exploded. The explosion scrambled the contents of the bottle in his pocket,
which was connected to the inside of his body. This scrambled Glarb's DNA, and
turned him into an enormous yellowy-green gelatinous blob.
This meant that he wasn't a hippophant any more. So, he was rejected by the other hippophants, and shot into space in a giant laser cannon.
(The giant cannon had been borrowed from the McLemmings. But, that's another story.)
Glarb collided with the earth, and embedded himself in the centre of the Earth. He then stretched out his tentacles, and started moving tectonic plates around.
This is one of the reasons why the Hippophants are invading Earth. They want Glarb (and his knowledge of genetic research) back on their side.
THE HIPPOPHANTS ARE COMING!!!!!...
This bit involves the McLemmings quite a lot. It's also on the Anti-nukes page, where the McLemmings normally are.
Partway through the Latest Latest Discoveries about the Hippophants, I mentioned that the hippophants had a giant laser cannon. I also said that:
"The giant cannon had been borrowed from the McLemmings. But, that's another story."
Well, Nick has come up with the other story.
When the McLemmings were floating in space on a rock, they needed a rocket engine to power the rock.
But, they weren't that good at rocketry.
On the side of the rock was a "random telephone" button. When the button was pressed, a retro-style landline telephone mysteriously appeared.
The telephone was connected to the Hippophant home planet with a cable of String Theory 2 string. The hippophants answered the McLemmings' telephone call, and because they were bored, they helped the McLemmings build a rocket engine for the rock (using Nitrolemmings).
In return, when the hippophants needed a favour, they asked the McLemmings to help.
The favour was, the hippophants couldn't decide whether to eat cheese or strawberries. Being the galactic-dominatory megalomaniacs that they are, the hippophants and McLemmings decided to make the decision by destroying universes.
Hence, the game of chess between the cheeseverse and the strawberryverse was set up.
However, because of the Anti-nuke collision halfway through the game, the cheeseverse won sooner than expected.
The hippophants had planned to use an ion wave cannon to destroy the losing universe. However, they hadn't got it ready in time. So, they borrowed a laser cannon from the McLemmings to use instead.
They kept the laser cannon afterwards, and as they say, the rest is history.
THE HIPPOPHANTS ARE COMING!!!!!...
Evil hamsters (from the evil-hamster-verse) are trying to take over all of the universes in the Evil Domesticated Pets universe cluster!!
The hippophant planet is close to the edge of the Evil Domesticated Pets universe cluster. Shortly after the evil hamsters invaded the evil-dog-verse, the hippophants stepped in, since they decided that the evil hamsters were becoming too much of a threat to the hippophant planet. The hippophants temporarily diverted their fleet to the evil domesticated pet universe cluster, and tried to use the McLemming giant laser to blow up a few universes and weaken the evil hamsters.
But, the laser wasn't effective enough, and ran out of charge fairly quickly.
The hippophants went to one of their previously invaded planets, inhabited with fighting redwood trees. They stuffed them full of uranium to make them grow really big, then strapped nitroglycerine to them.
Then, they dumped the trees onto a conquered planet in the Evil Domesticated Pets universe cluster, where they were destroyed by a neutron bomb that the evil hamsters dropped by mistake.
(This seems pointless, but Nick assures me there will be a point. Eventually.)
One of the hippophant ships ran out of fuel, and the pilot was getting hungry. So, they landed on a neighbouring hostile planet.
The hippophants went to the nearest corner shop, nicked a few chocolate bars, and went back to the ship.
But, one of them dropped a chocolate bar.
As the hippophant tried to pick it up, it accidentally stepped on a Delta wave activation button. You see, the planet wasn't really a planet; it was really a huge delta wave transmitter disguised as a planet.
The transmitter went on to destroy the entire Evil Domesticated Pets universe cluster, narrowly missing the hippophant planet. (The hippophant planet now has a small notch taken out of it, but the rest of the planet was unharmed.)
Unfortunately, the hippophants (who had got back to their ship) got hit by
the delta wave.
Fortunately, the ship's shield was online, and the hippophants survived.
Unfortunately, the ship got blasted through space, and landed on a toxic waste
dump planet called Poluto.
The collision made the hippophants' DNA rearrange itself, and they became a new subspecies of hippophant: the mutaphant!
The mutaphants returned to the hippophant homeworld. They colonised the small notch that got taken out of the planet, and is now in orbit around it.
(The notch now has a rocket engine, and serves as their mothership.)
Now the hippophants are forming an army of mutaphants, who are immune to toxic waste and delta waves.
THE HIPPOPHANTS ARE COMING!!!!!...
THE L-EPHANTS ARE ALSO COMING!!!!!...