Integrification

This time, Nick's come up with a mathematical function, instead of a theory.

This mathematical function is called "integrification". It's related to integration, in that the symbols are sort of similar, but apart from that, it's just random.

The symbol for integrification is:

Basically, you put the thing to be integrified under the 53. So, to integrify the number 27, you write:

To integrify 2x²+47, you write:

You get the idea.

Just about anything can be integrified - numbers, unknowns, equations, polynomials, Schrödinger's Wave Equation, and even that small green piece of cheese that's been at the back of the fridge for months and you can't be bothered to get rid of it and/or sell it on eBay.

To integrify most things, just cross them out and write 53.

There are only a few exceptions.

Firstly, negative numbers, when integrified, make -53.

Imaginary numbers give 53i.

Negative imaginary numbers make -53i.

Zero makes 54.

But, to renormalize things, you can untigrify the -53s, the 53is and the 54s to give a normal 53 again.

And if you thought all of that was pointless, you should see the First Interficator's Reciprocal. It's a vaguely complicated piece of maths that has nothing to do with anything, but still looks impressive.

And, it almost always adds up to ¹/₅₃, so isn't as difficult as it looks.

Further Integrification

New developments in Integrification now mean it can be proven mathematically.

Basically, from the Existentially Challenged Universe Theory, it can be proven that 1 = 0.

Therefore, (multiply by n, any number)

n = 0

Therefore (add 53 to both sides)

n + 53 = 53

But, going back to the first line, 1 = 0, then multiplying both sides by 53,

53 = 0

Substitute this into the second equation:

n + 0 = 53

Therefore,

n = 53

Therefore, all numbers really equal 53!

Integrification is the process of bringing all numbers back to their 53 origins.

This knowledge can be used to create an unbreakable code. The basic idea is:

First, get rid of all the spaces in the message.

Then, convert all letters to numbers. A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on.

Then, integrify the numbers. A=53, B=53, C=53, and so on.

This code cannot be broken! For example, the sentence "This code cannot be broken" in integrification code is:

53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53 53

Could you decode that?

This basic knowledge of the roots of all numbers can be used to calculate things about a new model of the atom, and the shape of the universe.

Atoms used to be thought of as a central nucleus, made up of protons and neutrons, with electrons arranged in orbitals around the universe. By the new model, the nucleus is actually a number 53, with electrons orbiting around it.

The electrons themselves are also tiny 53s. They are arranged in 17 orbitals of 3 electrons each, with two free extra electrons in a looser orbit. The total number of electrons? You guessed it.

The universe, as we know from the Tetrahedral Universe Theory, is shaped as a tetrahedron. We know from the Grand Unified Theories of Everything that the tetrahedral universes are arranged on baking trays, with two universes on each baking tray.

However, integrification has proved that inside the tetrahedron is 53 universes, each of them shaped like a giant 53. We're inside one of the 53 universes.

And finally, before integrification, we thought that time was a straight line. Now we know that time acts as a flat plane, in the shape of...

...yes.

Integrification can be used to find the total mass of the universe. "53," I hear you cry. Well, it's a bit more needlessly complicated than that.

Suppose you start with a wave. It can be any kind of wave (a sound wave, an electromagnetic wave, a water wave, a V-squared-antipositron wave, a Mexican wave - anything).

Waves oscillate.
Oscillate sounds like ocelot.
Ocelots are kind of like cats.
Cats drink milk.

Therefore, the number of waves are proportional to the amount of milk.

W α G

(W = waves, G = milk)

By including a constant:

W = kG

Since k = 53:

W = 53G

Since G, E, W and c² all equal 53:

1 = 53c² / E

Multiply both sides by E:

E = 53c²

Now, we know that E=mc², where E = energy, m = mass and c = the speed of light. But, if E = mc² and E = 53c², it follows logically that m = 53.

Therefore, the mass of the universe is 53.

From the Grand Unified Theories of Everything, we know that there are two universes on each Tetrahedral Universe baking tray. So, there are 53 x 2 = 106 universes in total.

If one universe has a mass of 53, then the current mass of all universes must be 53 x 106 = 5618.

Strangely, this mass isn't in grams, kilograms, Megagrams, milligrams, pounds, ounces, pascals, centimetres, degrees celsius, Hertz, pretzels, or H#seventeen. It is actually 5618 Tumu.

1 Tumu = A large amount x 10⁵³, or a large amount with 53 zeros after it.

And what is the large amount?

There are three answers. Firstly, integrify it to make 53.

Secondly, the number is closely guarded by the Hippophant Scientiferist's Elite Guard. They guard the science of the Hippophants using Milk-Wave guns, since W=kG, which is explosive, which is random, which is good. Any questions?

Thirdly, you can work it out from the units in E=mc². This means that, roughly, one Tumu equals one kilogram metre per second squared. Strangely, this is actually a unit of energy, not mass. But thankfully no-one else has noticed.